


The Big Gay Honeymoon Heist

by goldensnitchesgetstitches



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Humor, Fake Marriage, M/M, Remus is a Werewolf, Sad gays
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-13
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-03-22 16:52:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3736444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldensnitchesgetstitches/pseuds/goldensnitchesgetstitches
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Sirius accidentally wins a Honeymoon Getaway (strictly for married couples only) Remus plays along because, hey, free alcohol. What he wasn't counting on was everything that could possibly go wrong, going wrong. To top it all off, it turns out Sirius is also a method actor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [silverargent](https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverargent/gifts).



“Moony I won”

“…Won what?” Remus Lupin’s voice was hoarse with sleep as he checked the clock next to his bed, “Sirius it’s 3 AM, couldn’t this wait til morning?”

“Nope, it’s one of those _claim within 48 hours_ deals and I needed to make sure you were free!”

Remus rubbed his temples, willing the fog of sleep to disappear. As it did, his brain dredged up the memory of Sirius’ weeks of complaining that everyone was going on holidays but him (“What am I, chopped liver?” had been Remus’ constant response). Peter had a cousins wedding in the south of France, and James and Lily had made the snap decision to take the Trans-Siberian railway to Mongolia in the middle of winter for some ungodly reason. Lacking a reliable source of income Sirius had ultimately responded in typical fashion by entering as many holiday giveaways as he could. Remus had encouraged this for the main reason that it stopped the incessant complaining and with it the reminder that _he_ wasn’t going anywhere either. Now though, it appeared Sirius had gotten lucky and Remus was probably going to get dragged off (not all that unwillingly mind you) to go see the Pyramids or the Great Barrier Reef or something.

“Well, are you in?”  Sirius’ excitement was tinged with worry,

“Yeah I’m in” Remus groaned, rubbing his face irritably, “which one did you win anyway?”

“Uhhh… the Luxury Honeymooners Getaway Package - two weeks of sun and sand and complimentary cocktails!”

There was silence on Remus’ end of the phone

“…Moony, you still there?”

“…Moooooooneeeeyyyyy?”

Remus let out a long sigh,

“Sirius isn’t that the one where you have to be a married couple to enter, with a resort _specifically for honeymooning couples_?”

“Dunno… I don’t think so? I mean why would-“

“ _Why would you read the fine print_ do you mean?”

Sirius stopped talking and Remus could hear the clicking of a computer mouse as he presumably searched through several pages for the actual requirements for claiming the prize. Dead silence for a few moments, then-

“Remus John Lupin” Sirius said in a strangled voice, “Will you marry me?”

Remus hung up.

 

*****

 

When Remus checked his phone the next morning it was to find he had 25 missed calls, 7 with voice messages attached and around 30 texts, all running the gamut from variations on “I’m sorry” to theories on how they could _totally make this work,_ with a few feeble excuses thrown in for good measure. Rolling his eyes he proceeded to ignore his phone for the rest of the day.

Looking back, Remus would come to strongly regret this decision. If he had, say, answered his phone, then James Potter and Peter Pettigrew wouldn’t have turned up on his doorstep right after lunch and effectively kidnapped him.

“It’s for your own good” said Peter sagely, barring Remus’ escape and sitting next to him in the back seat, James snorted,

“- and ours, seriously mate, Padfoot’s going spare because you aren’t answering your phone. He’s acting like you’ve _died_ or something”

Remus muttered something noncommittal in response

“It can’t be that bad!” Peter chimed, “it’s only two weeks”

“C’mon Moony, you’re acting like it wouldn’t be fun to pretend to be married to Him and make everyone uncomfortable with your extremely married gayness. Heck it’s a shame I’m going to Transylvania-“

“Mongolia” Remus corrected

“Whatever, point is, for two weeks you get to enjoy a free, tropical holiday, activities _included_ , with one of your best friends. Are you going to have to tell people you’re married in order to do this? Yes, but to be honest you already act a little married as it is, and no-one’s going to question you anyway because it’s impolite. Are we going to let you get out of this? No, because Sirius has had it pretty shitty as it is and if he’s won some Caribbean Honeymooners Getaway then I’m going to make sure he gets a fucking Caribbean Honeymooners Getaway”

“OH MY GOD JAMES WATCH THE ROAD” Peters piercing shriek ruined the effect of James’ speech somewhat, but the general message sunk in pretty well. Remus didn’t respond, but curled moodily into his seat, glaring out the window.

It wasn’t the fake marriage part that bothered him. As James had said, it could have been kind of fun, if they were all going, if it wasn’t on the other side of the world, if it had been anyone but Sirius. Remus wasn’t entirely sure when he first realised he was in love with his friend, but he’d be damned before he ever admitted it, ever acted on any number of the feelings he had. No, the main reason he didn’t want to spend two weeks on a Romantic Getaway Extravaganza with Sirius Black was because there was a very real fear that the tenuous fabrications he had built would all come crashing down. And frankly, that thought scared the shit out of him.

So it was with no small amount of trepidation that Remus watched as the car pulled into the Potters driveway and climbed out of the back. The next thing he knew there was an extended yell that sounded like something along the lines of “HE’S ALIIIIIIIIVE”

“Ohmygod, Sirius, get off, you’re strangling me” Remus griped, disentangling himself from the other boy’s lanky frame. “If I’d known you’d be like this I wouldn’t have ignored all your calls”

“You were ignoring me?” Sirius pouted,

“Gee, I wonder how that feels” James said sardonically. Sirius looked abashed,

“Yeah yeah, whatever, c’mon Wormy, let’s leave these to gits to sort out whether they can stand to spend time on a tropical island together”

Peter grinned and waggled his eyebrows lasciviously as James dragged him inside, leaving Remus and Sirius standing awkwardly in front of the car.

“So where is this stupid holiday anyway?” Remus asked, finally breaking the silence

“Uhh, Guadeloupe I think, looks nice, relaxing” Sirius shifted nervously, “look, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything, I can always just not claim it and maybe hope that I win another but I think they would have been drawn by now and…” he trailed off, “I thought it would be fun y’know, making fun of actually married people while enjoying a tropical island paradise”

Remus sighed, Sirius was providing the exact same reasons as James had, and they were annoyingly valid.

“C’mon Moony, pleeeeeaaaaaase?” Sirius widened his eyes in as innocent an expression as possible. Though Remus didn’t believe it for a second, it still took almost inhuman effort for him to tear his eyes away.

“ _Don’t give in to the puppy dog eyes”_ he told himself, “ _you are stronger than this, don’t be an idiot!_ ”

Which was how, a few weeks later, Remus found himself several thousand kilometres in the air and on the way to the Caribbean with a very smug Sirius Black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not clear in this chapter, but yes everyone is still magical.
> 
> Still a newbie. Be nice pls thnx


	2. Chapter 2

The flight hadn’t been until the middle of the afternoon, so Sirius and Remus had made an easy morning of it. They’d been on time for check-in, although it was a near-run thing as Lily had decided to include in her going-away speech a severe lecture on proper behaviour and how not to get caught out in what had now become officially dubbed “The Big Gay Honeymoon Heist”. Everything actually went amazingly well right up until the plane started taxi-ing and Sirius turned to Remus and said brightly

“Have I ever mentioned I’m really bad with flying?”

Remus just stared at him

“But… broomsticks… and you seem fine now” Sirius just waved him away impatiently

“Oh that’s completely different, fresh air and all that. As for seeming fine, well we’re still on the ground it’s not until… oomph there we go”

The plane tilted sharply as it began to climb into the sky and the higher they flew, the wider Sirius’ eyes became. Remus watched the blood drain from his face with a sort of dull fascination. When he opened his mouth to ask Sirius if he was ok, the boy shook his head.

“Nope, don’t even-“he screwed his eyes shut “nope” he repeated weakly and then didn’t say anything for the next two and a half hours. This made for a very boring flight in Remus’ opinion, though at one point they hit turbulence and Sirius had gripped his forearm hard enough that Remus lost all feeling in his hand.

Sirius became antsy as they waited to get off the plane.

“I need to get off this airless, metal death-trap” he muttered

“Aren’t there several different potions and spells for travel-sickness?” Remus responded, earning himself a glare from his already weary and irritable friend. He sighed, this was looking to be the longest twenty-four hours of his life.

 

*****

 

After three hours hanging around at the airport Remus was ready to murder Sirius. The only thing that saved the other boy from his untimely death was that the holiday and (more importantly) the return tickets were in his name. This is not to say that Remus didn’t consider stealing his identity - in fact, such blissful thoughts helped him through the fourth hour of layover - it was just that, even _with_ magic, it would just be too much hard work.

Twice Sirius suggested that they leave the airport to look around but Remus flatly refused.

“It’s night-time, what do you suggest we do? Not only that, but it’s even colder here than back home and I don’t want to go through security more than I absolutely have to”

It was the last excuse that stopped Sirius’ endless suggestions. If being cooped up inside for hours on end made Sirius irritable it was nothing compared to the pure, unadulterated rage of Remus Lupin faced with what he referred to as “gross meddling and invasion of privacy”. The two boys received a harsh reminder of this as they suffered their bags to be scanned before their second flight.

The machine started beeping and Remus froze

“You got any liquids?” the guard asked

“Y-yes” his blood ran cold, _how could he have forgotten?_ “I thought it would be safer in my bag, I forgot-”

“Well we’ll have to look and see” the guard was stern but not unkind, although he was rifling through Remus’ bag so he wasn’t exactly _endearing_ himself to the panicking werewolf

“This it?” he asked, holding up a corked glass bottle

“Yeah, look, it’s medicine, I just-“

“Got a medical certificate?” asked the guard as he opened it easily – unbeknownst to Remus the seal had broken sometime during transit

“No I-”

“Ugh this smells dreadful”

“Tastes even worse” Remus responded dully, he was fairly sure he knew what the guard was about to say

“Look I’m sorry mate but this doesn’t meet regulations – it’s just not sealed properly, there could be anything in here”

“but-“

“I’m sorry, but even with a medical certificate I’m still not sure we’d be able to let you take this. You’ll have to contact your doctor and get a new prescription at the other end. I’m sorry but there’s just nothing we can do”

“Hey what’s taking so long?” Sirius, whose own hand luggage had been waved on just fine, had wandered over. He stopped at the helpless expression on Remus’ face “what’s wrong?”

Remus just shrugged and gestured vaguely to the bottle in the guards hand. He just felt so stupid, he hadn’t even _thought_ – but it was too late now and everything was ruined. The guard barely registered Sirius’ arrival, he continued on

“I’m just going to have to have another look through here to make sure there isn’t anything else in there-”

Remus, who had already been reaching out to take his bag back, stopped and glared at the guard

“What?” he practically growled

“It’s just to double check; the scanners could have picked up on something else as well”

“I will bite you”

The guard’s eyes hardened,

“Sir was that a threat? I will have you know that we take such threats against security very seriously”

“It wasn’t a threat” Sirius interrupted with the air of someone diffusing a bomb, “c’mon Remus, let him do his job”

“It was definitely a threat” Remus muttered a few minutes later, as Sirius led him away, clutching at his bag like a lifesaver, “the _hell_ am I gonna do now?” he asked, once they were out of hearing

“Don’t worry; we’ll come up with something”

“Easy for you to say” He grumped, finally shaking off Sirius’ grasp, “maybe I’ll just tear out people’s throats, or maul a small child”

“We’ll think of something” Sirius repeated, absently rooting through his backpack

“Will you just shut up?” Remus snapped, “this is kind of a fucking – what” he stopped as Sirius triumphantly revealed the largest block of Toblerone he’d ever seen and shoved it at him

“Eat this”

Remus stared mutely for a second before opening the box and pulling out one of the more reasonably sized bars inside, only to have it immediately snatched away.  
“What the fuck? This is tiny, it’s _puny_ , I pay for a giant Toblerone I want a giant. Frikken. Toblerone”

“Just give me back the damn chocolate Sirius” and Sirius, too busy complaining about duty-free chocolate and the falseness of its packaging, barely registered Remus taking back the bar.

“This is _pitiful_ , _inferior_ , I did not mean to buy inferior, lying, chocolate -”

Remus munched on his chocolate happily, Sirius acting as background noise, rather effectively distracting him from the more pressing issue at hand which, Remus reflected, was probably the whole point.

“…it’s an outrage, an abomination, libel, slander –“

“oh look we’re boarding” Remus remarked, the very epitome of casual. Sirius shut his mouth and turned a rather attractive shade of pale green. It was probably the shortest amount of time it had ever taken to get him to stop talking and Remus immediately filed this bit of information away for later use.

As their second plane in twelve hours finally took off and Sirius became even paler, Remus wondered privately what similar bits of information Sirius had stored about _him_ over the years. Then, because thinking about that kind of freaked him out a bit and because he was a stress-eater, Remus practically inhaled the entirety of his lying, duty-free chocolate.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this an update I see before me? Post button before my hand?
> 
> It has been a long time friends, I also didn't reread the previous chapters before writing this because I am extremely lazy, so apologies for any inconsistencies!

“Mrrr?” Remus woke, blearily looking up into Sirius face, “Whaaa???!!!”

He bolted upright as he realised he had been lying with his head on his friends lap.

“C'mon, our flights boarding, its the last one finally!” Sirius sounded more cheerful than he had any right to be, but his expression was unreadable as he helped a half-asleep Remus to his feet.

“How are you still awake?” Remus asked, though it came out sounding more like _hhwrr strrr wrrr?_

Sirius just laughed, a strange sound bordering on mania.

“Years of movie marathons and Who Can Stay Awake Longer competitions with James”

“Mrs Potter must have _loved_ you.”

Remus was finally starting to gain some level of coherence. He nearly choked however, at the broad grin Sirius flashed in his direction before linking their arms and steering him towards their final plane – a rickety affair that Sirius would never genuinely consider boarding while in his right state of mind. His too-cheerful demeanour staunchly refused to dissipate, even as they took their seats. Remus began to strongly suspect Sirius of taking advantage of his comatose state to become very good friends with the airport bar, or at least a bottle of duty-free something.

After two short plane rides and as many lengthy layovers they had finally arrived in Guadeloupe. All that lay between the boys and two weeks of tropical bliss was a twenty minute trip in an aeroplane that looked like it could fall apart at any minute. One death-trap and all the acting skills they could muster and they would be set. If only… but there were too many of those tiny if onlys so Remus did what he did best and buried them at the back of his head.

*****

Remus wasn’t entirely sure how he survived that last, short flight. Between the jarring (and downright terrifying) shudder and rattle of the creaky old plane, and Sirius inane half-drunk chatter, it was a pure miracle that he didn’t just throw himself out of the aircraft. He put it down to pure tiredness when a particularly bad shake of the plane had him reaching for something, anything, to hang onto, and he’d found himself gripping his friends hand almost too tightly, fingers already turning pale by the time he caught himself and let go, sleep-slurred apology tumbling out of his mouth. He put it down to tiredness too, the slow, almost delirious smile Sirius had given in return as he laced their finger – a sleepy joke – Remus allowing this for a heartbeat too long. Thus it was with great relief that he stepped out of the plane and into the hazily warm day, a relief only exacerbated by the fact that Sirius had begun to look ill again.

For such a small island, it was ridiculously difficult to find their hotel. Of course a simple spell would have helped but Sirius, being Sirius, was overcome with the adventure of the thing and insisted they not use magic.

“Its fucking unplottable Padfoot, how else do you expect to find the damn thing?” Tiredness made Remus terse and loathe as he was to snap at one of his best friends, at this point he really wasn’t all that opposed to breaking said friends neck and making it look like an accident.

“Surely they have some sort of… whats the word… courtesy bus?”

Of course the word he forgot was courtesy. _Arsehole_.

It turned out that there was a courtesy bus and the two boys had a lovely view of it as it drove past them, not to return for another hour. So they waited. Remus fought off sleep by imagining all the ways he was going to murder Sirius and pin it on James (that he wasnt with them served as a mere detail). Eventually, however these thoughts started to involve compromising positions and kissing, and he was forced to drag his tired brain to safer, more boring topics, like Arithmancy. In turn, Sirius spent the time alternately humming and staring into space, strangely quiet after the constant stream of (one-sided) conversation he’d kept up for the past three hours.

Finally - _blessedly_ \- the small bus came hurtling towards them. Caught up in his thoughts and made languid by the heat, Remus almost didn't notice the damn thing, loud as it was. Sirius waved manically at the bus with a cry of that peculiar mix of desperation and excitement, the loud screech of the bus breaks waking Remus up just long enough to climb inside the small space. Typical of magical vehicles it was larger and better furnished on the inside than most, but it was still old and rather squashy and the two spent the next fifteen minutes uncomfortable and irate.

By this point, Remus was so tired and distracted by the myriad ways in which he would perform Sirius glorious murder that he had actually forgotten the ruse that underlined their trip. It wasn't until they clambered out of the small bus, and Sirius wound an arm around his waist with a simultaneous peck on the cheek, that the reality of his situation flooded back. And in that reality Remus was fucked. He groaned minutely, too tired to truly react to the horror flooding his veins.

“Are you alright love?” Sirius cooed and Remus closed his eyes, realising for the first time just how much his friend was enjoying fucking him around.

“I'm going to murder you and make it look like an accident.” Remus said, revealing his plan at last. “ _Love_.”

Sirius barked a laugh - that hint of mania still present - and kissed his cheek again. Remus was no more prepared for this than he had been for the last and pulled away out of reflex. Sirius exaggerated a pout but didn't say anything more.

Thank god for magic, as neither boy was anywhere near awake enough to exert the energy needed to actually drag their luggage from the van into the hotel. This being a fancy hotel they didn't even have to lift their arms - there were porters for that.

In the lull while bags were being ferried to and fro, Sirius beckoned Remus over to the side, out of the way and out of sight. Frowning, he followed - he really wanted to be out of the humidity. He watched mutely as Sirius fished something out of his pocket,

“I nearly forgot,” he said, “the finishing touch!” Sirius presented his open palm with a flourish that would have put many muggle magicians to shame.

Remus stared down at the open hand before him, a blush creeping its way up his neck and onto his face. Apparently Sirius had gone to no little expense at the effort of keeping up their ruse, for lying on his palm sat two brushed silver rings - one with stars etched around the band and the other with the phases of the moon. At this point Remus was embarrassed to be breathing the same air as his friend - this was plainly ridiculous. Hesitantly, as if they might disappear if he touched them, and this nightmare with it, and also as if it might not, Remus copied Sirius’ hand gesture, trying desperately the calm the tremors that suddenly shook him. Sirius tipped one of the rings from his hand into his, and his fingers closed over it suddenly, protectively. It was warm, but cooler than he would have thought, having been held so closely. He knew which one he held without looking - the ring Sirius was now slipping onto his finger had tiny moons like fingernail marks on it. Finally Remus opened his hand, confirming his fears. He knew he should say something, to break this silence that had settled, but neither his brain or tongue wanted to comply. Finally, and with great effort he managed to clear his throat,

“That's uh… that's really gay Padfoot.”

Sirius grinned,

“Isn't it?”

Remus had to look away - Sirius' delight lit his whole face up in a way that made his stomach do strange things. Almost luckily, the small circle of metal in Remus’ hand required all his attention as he still hadn't quite stopped shaking and he was wary of dropping the damn thing. Finally, fingers fumbling and tying themselves in embarrassing knots, he managed to get the thing on. It was with a strange mixture of pride and pure sickness that Remus looked from his hand to Sirius’, their matching rings shining brightly in the afternoon sun.

At last, all that was left for the tired boys to do was to make their way into the blessedly cool entrance, which they did with feet dragging from tiredness rather than reluctance (although there was definitely a certain amount of the latter in each of Remus’ slow footfalls). 

Remus looked at the check-in desk, at Sirius and back to the check in desk. The welcome witch looked much too perky and cheerful for his tired brain, even from this distance.

"Right," he muttered, "let’s get this over with"

His worst fears were confirmed as they reached the desk,

"Welcome to Palm Cove Retreat, how may I help you?" The welcome witch said brightly.

"Hi we have a room for two under the name of... uh... Black?" Sirius responded less brightly, but with a broad grin that only served to make him look a little manic.

"Black?" The welcome witch repeated, eyes narrowed and gaze shifting between the two boys.

Remus chewed his lip - this wasn’t going to work. Sirius continued blithely on with only the pure confidence that came with lying through ones teeth.

"Oh yes, Sirius Black for the honeymoon suite? It should have been booked through Grand Magical British Tours?"

The witch's smile returned once more.

"Oh of course, here you are, lovely to see you Mr Black you and your..." she flicked a questioning look at Remus, who only shrugged apologetically.

"Husband."

Remus nearly squeaked in protest, at both the appellation and the way Sirius' arm shot out to encircle his waist in a vice-like grip. How had his friend known that all that was going through his mind were thoughts of running away? If it had been possible, the welcome witch's smile grew even more.

"Oh congratulations my dears! Well I shant keep you long!" Remus blushed at the wink she directed at him. "Simply fill out this form and I'll give you the key and we're all set!"

It was the longest five minutes of Remus' life. He spent most of the time focusing on how slow Sirius' writing was, if only in an effort to distract himself from how warm his friend was, and how ridiculously comfortable the crook between neck and shoulder was. Sirius jostled him out of his in-between world, Remus catching -

"-better get this one to sleep, he's not the best flier."

\- before they turned away to head up a sweeping staircase and off to their rooms. Remus wasn’t able to breathe easily until the elevator door shut behind them.

"You’re such a gods damned liar." Remus grumbled, wriggling his way out of Sirius's grasp, no matter how cozy. His friend grinned, "I reckon she saw through you, she looked pretty suspicious."

Sirius only shrugged.

"Maybe, but I don’t see why it would matter... Everything’s still been paid for."

"Yeah, by a _competition_." Remus paused a moment. "Oh god, Sirius is this _fraud_? I can’t be arrested for fraud, I won’t survive Azkaban, I’m a _fucking werewolf_."

"Wanna say that a little louder? I don’t think they heard you back home" Sirius' voice was low as the elevator announced their floor in an overly cheery voice. "Besides, dear if anyone actually says anything, we can simply act shocked and accuse them of homophobia and a variety of hate crimes."

"Wow you've really thought this through" Sarcasm dripped from Remus' every word.

"Oh shut up and open the door would you?"

For once it hadn’t take them long to find their room - whatever god was watching over them having finally taken pity on the two tired boys. Well, almost, as they discovered upon opening the door.

"Oooh fancy." Sirius let out a low whistle at the opulent set of rooms.

It was spacious, certainly, taking up as it did, most of the hotels top floor, and had attained the perfect balance between colonialism and modernity that it looked neither outdated nor overly modish. The only problem arose when, determined to finally get to sleep, Remus balked at the bedroom door.

"Oh god that’s revolting" Sirius appeared behind him, expression faintly ashen.

A giant bed took up the majority of the room, strewn with rose petals and a variety of other romantic paraphernalia.

"There’s only one bed" Remus' voice was strangled.

"Yeah, I mean, I can sleep on the couch or-"

Remus was tired and his friend’s voice faded into the background.

He looked blankly at the bed,

"Whatever" he finally muttered, before keeling over and landing face first – asleep before his head even hit the pillow.


	4. Chapter 4

Remus paced the apartment like a caged thing. He didn't know where Sirius was. Had no real way of contacting him. All he knew was that he'd woken to an empty bed. He still didn't know where Sirius actually slept and a small part of him both hoped and feared that it had been in the one bed. Either way he wasn't sure he would know what to do with himself. 

He and Sirius had spent the past few days blithely engaging in pre-organised, included activities with "other" married couples. Some of them, like snorkelling and wind surfing Remus had actually enjoyed and almost welcomed, despite not being usually being all that keen on physical activity. They took his mind off other things however - up to and including the close physical presence of his best friend (who he happened to be in love with) and the also very close presence of the full moon (which he had a sort of love-hate relationship with, getting closer to hate these days).

The stress was starting to eat him alive.

He barely ate and went to bed early, tossing and turning all night, managing nothing more than a drowsy half-sleep. He was starting to act more like a zombie than a werewolf, had almost walked off the edge of a pier the evening before, only stopping when Sirius had grabbed him around the waist. That was becoming another problem, his friend was simply constantly too close for comfort. What had started as reassuring hand-holds and performative public displays of affection were only starting to make him claustrophobic. He had to fight to keep up the ruse, to not shrink away whenever Sirius moved towards him.The previous two nights Sirius had gone out and hadn't returned until after Remus had choked down a small breakfast. He didn't explain where he went but Remus got the feeling it didn't involve anything terribly salubrious, it did nothing to make him feel any better.

Hell, it was getting to the point where even the staff were beginning to become concerned as his expression grew more and more drawn, his behavior increasingly erratic. He had waved them off with pleas of jet-lag but there was only so long such an excuse would work for.

There were now two whole days until full moon. He hadn't yet had a panic attack but it was getting to be a pretty darn close-run thing. It had been years since he'd transformed without magical aid but his body remembered the pain of bones and skin breaking and stretching. He wondered if it made him a bad person that he was more terrified of the pain than hurting someone. More terrified of hurting his friend than hurting himself...

He threw himself down onto the bed, contemplating the ceiling.

_What the shit am I doing here?_

The door banged loudly against the wall, announcing Sirius' august presence.

"I have good news and I have bad news." Sirius declared gaily, 

Remus rolled onto his side and fixed him with a blank stare.

"What’s the good news?"

"Good news is that traditional beliefs borderline revere werewolves as shamans or messengers from the gods because of something to do with getting in touch with the animal spirit."

Remus snorted, he'd heard similar stories of various "primitive" peoples around the globe, and he doubted any of them were actually based in anything even remotely resembling fact.

"Bullshit, whats the bad news?"

"Bad news is that the French burned them all as godless heathens when they were colonising and now lycanthropy is punishable by death... which is not good."

In the history of all of Sirius Black's ginormous understatements that had to be the worst. Remus pinched the bridge of his nose between two fingers and sighed.

"So no Wolfsbane."

"Yeah... no Wolfsbane."

Rolling onto his back, Remus stared at the ceiling for a moment.

" _Fuck."_  He said succinctly.

"When's full moon?" Sirius asked, sitting down beside him on the bed

"Three days including today."

Sirius whistled lowly,

"Fuck indeed." he murmured, absent-mindedly stroking the other boys hair. "So what are we gonna do?"

"I have no fucking idea" Remus replied, burying his face in his hands and trying not to think about how nice Sirius's touch felt.

Then he took a deep breath and screamed.

"Holy shit dude. Warn a guy next time. You scared the hell out of me." Sirius said, once he'd finally stopped, and removed his hands from his ears, "Everyone's going to think I'm trying to murder you or something."

"No they won't" Remus' voice was still muffled by his hands.

"Eh?"

"All the rooms have silencing charms."

"They what?

"All the rooms have voice-activated silencing charms, the welcome witch told me - oh incidentally the house elves and maybe around half the staff think you mistreat me."

_"Whaaaat???"_ Sirius' voice had become strained.

Remus removed his hands from his face and grinned up at his friend, happy to have something to take his mind off the actual problem at hand.

"Are you feeling alright dear?" He said in a falsetto approximation of the welcome-witches lilting accent, "Is your husband taking care of you? You don't seem to eat much and you haven't activated any of the silencing charms, is everything hunky dory? You know we have potions for-"

"ALRIGHT I GET THE MESSAGE!" Sirius cut him off hurriedly, his face bright red. "You don't have to keep going..."

"I'm just trying to make sure you don't get pulled up on spousal abuse while we're here." Remus' voice was all innocence and light as Sirius glared down at him. He sighed and gave up on the teasing. Silence settled over the pair as they considered their fate.

"The rooms have silencing charms..." Sirius said slowly.

Remus sat up quickly, he knew that tone of voice. It was the tone of voice that meant he was coming up with a Plan, probably a bad one, but it was also the tone he'd used when he suggested the others learned to be Animagi, so Remus had learned to look out for it.

"What are you suggesting?"

"I think I've got something" And then he practically ran out of the room again, leaving Remus shaking his head in wonder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a such a short chapter! Things are _really_ going to get going soon so there will be much more in future chapters!!!


	5. Chapter 5

"I have a plaaaan!" Sirius sung, practically waltzing into the room, arms filled with pillows and blankets.

Remus raised a sceptical eyebrow as he dumped the fluffy armful into a pile on the bed.

"Is that plan to build a pillow fort?"

Sirius considered the pile.

"It wasn't but it can be if you would like," he seemed much more into the idea than he should have been, "There's enough pillows there for a proper castle I reckon, we could probably recreate Hogwarts at this point."

"I'm good thanks." Remus responded wryly.

"Actually the plan is very simple." Remus scrambled to get his brain back on track as Sirius suddenly hauled himself from their tangent. "As you may remember our delightful school years were without the benefit of that wonderful potion known as Wolfsbane, I have decided that we should take leaf out of past us' collective books."

"Oh no... Sirius..."

"Oh yes, Sirius." He paused to consider his own fantastic joke a moment, or at least that's what Remus assumed he was doing from the stupid grin on his face, "We're going to go full Marauders on this baby."

"This is a bad plan."

"It's a great plan! The silencing charms will block out the noise, blankets and pillows will protect the furniture and act as chew toys and in dog form I won't be in any danger from wolfy Remus, we can just chase each other around and then curl up once your fluffy self is all tired out."

Sirius was so pleased with himself Remus could practically see his tail wagging.

"This is a very bad plan." All he could do was shake his head as he attempted to process what Sirius was suggesting. It didn't sound even remotely safe but it was also the only plan they had. Remus very badly wanted to be able to come up with an alternative but his brain had seized. Probably something to do with the fact that Sirius had just described his ravening wolf form as fluffy.

"Is it really that bad?" The light died in Sirius' eyes and Remus was left with the feeling of having just kicked a puppy.

"I mean, yeah but, c'mon all your plans are bad!" Not. Working. He told himself. "They work more often than not don't they? And it's not exactly like we have an alternative... let's go with it for now and if we think of something better we can work with that?"

Sirius pulled a face.

"I can't believe you think all my plans are bad." He whined.

Remus huffed in frustration.

"I don't think all your plans are bad per se... just not totally safe?"

Sirius bounced back with alarming alacrity,

"Oh thats fine, no ones gotten killed or seriously injured yet." It was the yet that worried Remus but he wasn't about to say so. "Anyway, clearly your safety is the priority here so as long as you're ok... uh..." He trailed off, fidgeting awkwardly with the hem of his t-shirt.

Remus had to fight his brain to stop it from running away with what had been left unsaid. His brain was winning.

"Thanks..." His voice was quiet but still felt too loud, falling flat in the silence that had fallen. "Uhm Sirius..."

"There's an all you can eat buffet today, the Welcome Witch told me when I was asking for extra blankets," Sirius cut him off, too cheerful not to be forced. "And a ballroom dancing lesson this evening... Honestly, I think that lady is doing everything she can to save our apparently already-failing marriage, bless her dear heart." He pretended to wipe away fake tears.

"That much food and then dancing sounds like a really bad idea" Remus hedged, he hated to keep shouting down Sirius but his own anxiety was getting in the way.

"Yeah, well, I'm just full of bad ideas right now." Sirius gave an evil grin that had Remus gasping for air. "Shall we?" He motioned with his head to the door and Remus could do nothing but mutely follow.

*****

It was a strange day they had. There was a plan, but Remus was still worried. He didn't think he'd be able to fully enjoy himself until after full moon but he was doing a better job of it than he had the previous day. Even a bad plan was better than no plan. Sirius had been acting strangely all day too - alternating between annoyingly cheerful and quietly brooding. If he hadn't been so concerned with just trying to get through the next few days Remus might have pulled him up on it. Instead he left it alone. Later he would look back on this day and wonder if he'd said something, would they have been better for it, but he had bigger things to worry about than Sirius' mood swings. Like the fact that said Sirius was standing before him, blocking out the sight of elderly couples swaying like geriatric trees in their orthotics. He was bowed low, hand held out expectantly - he had the unfortunate habit of being terribly gallant when it most inconvenienced Remus.

"Will you dance with me?"

Tentatively Remus reached out to take his friend's hand.

"You know I have two left feet." He warned as Sirius led them both onto the floor, already placing their hands and feet.

"Oh I know." Sirius cocked his head to the side. "I had an awful job of it trying to teach you in fifth year." Remus remembered, remembered dancing long into the night in the common room and at the party they had practiced for, long after everyone else had gone to bed. He hadn't though Sirius had remembered however. "Anyway, up you get, I'm good enough for both of us. Just try not to step on my feet this time."

Trying not to have a heart attack at the feel of the hands on his body, Remus snorted.

"So modest."

Sirius grinned down at him,

"It's why you love me isn't it?"

Remus couldn't do anything to stop the blush spreading over his face and tore his gaze away.

"We must be the only people here under ninety" He said lightly.

"Try one hundred." Sirius drawled.

Remus flickered his gaze towards him, but his friend's face had shuttered, impassive.

A cold wave shuddered through him, and he pressed closer to Sirius, suddenly needing the comfort and warmth of his physical presence.

Where the hell had that come from?

Neither of them talked for a long while. Remus didn't think he could bring himself too - he was having enough trouble focusing on his breathing and he was sure Sirius could hear the beating of his heart over the music. His fight or flight reflex was going into overdrive and it was probably going to tear him apart.

He moved to pull away at last, only to find himself trapped by the suddenly vice like grip encircling his waist.

"Sirius, love?" Remus crooned, in case anyone was listening, and because he was genuinely starting to worry.

Sirius looked down at him, eyes widening in shock as if he'd forgotten who he was with. He let go hurriedly.

"Sorry, tired." He mumbled, wiping at his face.

"Yeah me too." Remus scanned the room and sighed - the dance floor was rapidly emptying around them. "Shall we head up? At this rate we'll end up being swept out with the ashes."

Sirius aimed a pointed look at their elderly compatriots,

"Moony please, have some tact, some of them may wish to be buried."

Remus left in a hurry.

*****

It was the first night they'd managed to go to sleep at the same time and Remus had no idea what to do with himself. He hovered in the doorway to the bedroom, trying to avoid asking Sirius outright where he slept.

"You can stop fretting, I'm just gonna sleep on the couch like the past two nights. "

So he'd noticed. Remus pulled a face.

"You don't have to - honestly I don’t mind sharing, or taking the couch if you want to-"

"I do."

"Do what?"

"Mind sharing."

Remus froze.

"Seriously mate, you sleep dreadfully and I've heard stories from Pete about getting kicked in the head."

"That was one time" Remus grumbled, but relaxed.

"Either way, not taking chances. I like my head where it is thanks."

They eventually settled into the gentle ritual of getting ready for bed. It had been a while since they'd shared a living space, but seven years of dancing around each other while brushing teeth meant it was a habit they fell back into with ease.

Remus collapsed into bed with all the exhaustion of one who had spent the past three days stressed out of their mind, and now only had a new thing to be stressed about. He expected to fall asleep as soon as the lights went out.

Until they did.

Suddenly he was wide awake. He stared up at the ceiling he had become strangely familiar with - he already knew each bump and bubble in the paint.

The world felt so much bigger and lonelier suddenly and he missed it, that warmth, that comfort and sense of belonging and that everything was right with the world. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and trailed into the main room.

"Sirius?" He stared at a lump on the couch he assumed was his friend.

"Nnnggghh?"

"You awake?"

The lump on the couch sat up.

"What's up?"

He steeled himself,

"I don't think I can sleep alone."

He turned and clambered under the covers, not waiting for a reply. It had been easier to say than he'd thought it would. So much easier than the feeling of the bed dipping as Sirius sat down.

"You sure?"

Remus rolled over to look up at him. Shit he was so close, closer than he had thought, he nearly pulled back.

"Yes." He said it simply, quietly, as if it wasn't everything he had ever wanted.

"OK." Sirius nodded, and then he was there, his arm around Remus' waist, head nestled into the nape of his neck like it had been made for him.

Remus nodded to himself.

"OK." he whispered. And closed his eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

Remus did not sleep. Instead he lay still and wide awake, brain relaying every stupid thing he'd ever done - including recent events - in prime HD.

Eventually the room gradually began to lighten around him. Somewhere around the time shadows started to become defined he felt Sirius slip from the bed and leave the room. He heard the soft jingling of Sirius' ringtone and then the door to the balcony open and close. Curious, but unwilling to leave the comfort of the bed he wriggled closer. The space where Sirius had slept was still warm. He wanted to snuggle into that warmth, but that want itself pushed him up and out of bed. It would break him apart to indulge in small things like the false belief that such things were normal, even if it was only for a moment. Instead he leaned in the doorway and watched as Sirius strode back and forth across the small balcony, gesturing violently as he spoke. Remus could count his steps - two and a half one way, barely pausing to turn and pace the other. The door hadn't slid shut all the way and he could barely make out what Sirius was saying. Not that he was eavesdropping on purpose or anything, just that he was curious, and that curiosity demanded satisfaction. It was easy to tell that Sirius was talking to James, but beyond that... Remus frowned and listened intently.

"-it wasn't like that though... Honestly I don’t know how you survived...I don’t know, I don't know what I'm doing anymore this is a mess...I don't know... I tried that, I'm not a complete idiot you know...of course not, for rather obvious reasons...no it's not good... look it was a stupid plan any- oh fuck you are a complete arsehole y'know that? Seriously... Yes I mean it. I hope your toes freeze off, you less than useless bastard-"

Their eyes met and Remus froze. Sirius, eyes wide, recovered first.

_Sorry did I wake you?_  He mouthed through the glass.

Remus shook his head. Sirius grinned back and he felt his heart do something hearts medically probably shouldn't do.

"'Kay I have to go, the zombie's awake... yes I know they're not real that's-oh you were being funny...Yeah yeah piss off, give Lil' my love... arse yourself."

He snorted and hung up.

Remus scrunched up his face.

"I'm not a zombie" He protested.

Sirius gave him a slow once over as he came back inside. Clearly declining to enter into that topic of conversation, he instead responded:

"Apparently the adventure wore off Lily almost as soon as they got to Siberia. Sounds like they're having an interesting time."

Remus snorted.

"I was surprised when she told me she'd picked Russia. That girl hates the cold even more than I do."

"Good thing I didn't win the Alpine Getaway then huh?"

"Honestly, how many of these things did you sign up for?" Remus asked, throwing himself dramatically onto the couch "Because it must have been a lot."

Sirius cocked his head in thought.

"Y'know? I honestly don't remember... Tea?"

His open mouth snapped shut with surprise, a sarcastic retort bitten off at the inherent homeliness of the question.

"Sure."

Shaking his head in wonder at the domesticity of the scene he'd suddenly found himself in, Remus watched as Sirius pottered around the kitchen.

They curled up into sleepy silence, jerked into full wakefulness as room service announced breakfast with all the pomp and circumstance it was due.

"Thank wizard God I was already up." Sirius grumbled once the service wizard had left, "Else I would have been really pissed off to be woken so early"

Remus refrained from commenting. He wanted to ask what the phone call had been about - it had sounded like much more than a simple check-up, even if James knew it wasn't going as well as expected. It had felt weirdly private and he suddenly wished he hadn't overheard any of it. He only hoped that Sirius took his silence as replete contentedness rather than the speculative awkwardness it actually was.

"What's on the agenda for today" He asked instead, and immediately blanked out as Sirius began rattling off potential activities.

He didn't know where the day went. One minute they were leaving their apartment and the next they were returning, the day having passed in a blur that blended seamlessly into the faded black of night. Once it was dark it was almost impossible to track the passing hours which was how Remus found himself blinking awake in late morning sunshine.

It was the day of the full moon.

Remus was immediately met with concerned sympathy:

"Do you want to stay in?" was almost the first thing out of Sirius' mouth.

He hadn't even bothered looking around at the too-close walls of the apartment before replying.

"Hell no."

Remus made sure they spent their day as physically active as possible, until at last, too physically worn out to do anything else they'd flopped down on the hotel's beach. 

Now, too agitated to read he instead stared out at the ocean, tapping his foot and trying not to dwell too much on the night ahead of them.

Finally, Sirius stretched and yawned.

"We should head in."

The words brought a sudden chill with them, and Remus shivered despite the still-warm afternoon.

Sirius whistled as they headed into the hotel lobby - a cheerful tune incongruent with the sense of foreboding settling on the pair, and one that grated on Remus' already frayed nerves.

"Been a while since we've spent full moon together, I'm almost looking forward to it."

If Sirius was attempting to diffuse Remus' fears about the evening, it missed by a wide margin. Remus stopped mid-step.

"How are you so carefree about this?" The words came out more harsh than intended. But it was done now. It was surprisingly easy to lash out, to feel a sick pride in the hurt written across his friends face. He hated himself for it, but not enough to stop. If anything it just made him angrier. "How can you be so completely oblivious to how dangerous this is?" 

"I... I'm not... I'm well aware..." Sirius stammered, clearly taken aback at the sudden mood shift.

"Remember fifth year? Because I sure haven't"

The blood drained from Sirius' face.

"That was stupid-"

"It was. It was very stupid. And apparently, you still haven't learned-"

"There's still time to work something else out if you're still worried about hurting someone?"

"You know there isn't"

"I wouldn't let you-"

"Wouldn't you?" Remus was suddenly aware of the fact that his voice had risen, that everyone around them had stopped to watch their domestic, apparently so was Sirius.

"Remus, please, we're making a scen-"

"I. Don't. Care." He hissed, gripping Sirius by the shirtfront, "This was _your_ stupid idea, all it's gotten me is trouble. I should never have said yes, hell, I didn't want to come in the first place but you just had to _keep pushing._ What you get out of this I don't know but I want out."

"Do you really?" Sirius' voice was quiet.

Remus couldn't take his eyes from the whitening knuckles of his hands, still balled in Sirius' shirt. Of course he did, he hadn't been in such close quarters with Sirius since school. He'd forgotten how much effort it took for him to pretend like everything was still normal between them. Of course their current circumstances made such pretence significantly worse. 

It took the barest of movements to make Sirius lose balance and topple forwards.

_Oh shit I'm really doing this._

The thought flashed through his head a fraction of a second before their lips crashed together.

Remus would be lying if he said that he hadn't spent a lot of time wondering what it would be like to kiss Sirius. At no point had he considered that the first time he kissed him would be mid-argument in the centre of a hotel lobby. The lack of romance seemed fitting somehow. Their only points of contact were his hands on Sirius' chest and their mouths.

He felt a hand brush his elbow and stepped back, carefully out of reach, flickering a glance at the welcome-witch and making sure that Sirius saw it.

"No." He said, trying to keep his voice from trembling. "You're right. It's just stress, sorry to worry you love."

He quirked a smile at his friend's somewhat dumb-founded expression. Flexing his hands at last he ran them up and over his shoulders and down his arms. Pulling him forward by the hands he murmured in a voice that carried, "Our first fight as a married couple! Don't worry, I know _just_  how I can make it up to you."

He winked and walked away with a broad grin. The look on Sirius' face was worth every ounce of the days anxiety.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this chapter is a bit of a mess (^▽^;;) I hecked up the timing and realised I had two days to plot instead of just one - this is why you actually check your timeline kids!! on the plus side... my boy getting some action!


End file.
